As a part of class we have to choose a topic (given to us) and write an essay.  I have chosen to pick a writing of the Tao Te Ching and write how it relates to my life.  It is a bit of a free write but I learned while writing (which I think was the point) so I decided I would put it out "there" for others.....it is a draft and I welcome feedback.

[b]THIRTY-NINE[/b] (from Gia-Fu Feng & Jane English translation)
[i]These things from ancient times arise from one:
The sky is whole and clear.
The earth is whole and firm.
The spirit is whole and strong.
The valley is whole and full.
The ten thousand things are whole and alive.
Kings and lords are whole and the country is upright.
All these are in virtue of wholeness.

The clairty of the sky prevents its falling.
The firmness of the earth prevents its spliting.
The strength of the spirit prenets its being used up.
The fullness of the valley prevents its running dry.
The growth of the ten thousand things prevents their dying out.
The leadership of the kings and lords prevents the downfall of the country.

Therefore the humble is the root of the noble.
The low is the foundation of the high.
Princes and lords concider themselves
  "orphaned," "widowed," and "worthless."
Do they not depend on being humble?

Too much success is not an advantage.
Do not tinkle like jade
Or clatter like stone chimes.[/i]

I began taking Tai Chi again in an effort to discover, or simply correct the imbalance that exists in my body, chemistry, spirit, or combination of all three, that is preventing me from having children.  I came to Tai Chi in search of balance and harmony, to correct an issue that cannot be seen with modern medicine.  Perhaps also to find a way to embrace my losses so I may begin to heal.

In coming back to class I am more aware of my Chi.  I am, at the very least, giving it a name again.  I know that for some time I abandoned my Chi – if not wholly than for all times when it was not convenient for me.  I allowed events that occurred around me to affect who I am.  I allowed things to happen to me passively and got caught up in the passivity.  I stopped confronting and was not yielding but was being washed away on a wave of sorrow and pity.  I was not putting my Chi into the universe and saying “No.” I have let myself be led by the sorrow and tragedy instead of by the joy. I am not sure I am confronting or yielding now, but after eight weeks I am slowly remembering the way.  
I have also been gathering things, stuff, meaningless junk in an effort to be proud of who and where I am, as a way to measure my worth against others.  I have gained nothing and have misplaced my center under mounds of material items.  Tai Chi is giving me a path to follow out of the clutter.  Tai Chi is silently giving me commitment to follow a new path.

What has changed in these weeks?  I feel better about being me.  I am re-connecting with my spirit of joy, excitement and fascination at the world around me.  I am filling my life with living things, my body with living foods, I am thanking the universe for the abundance I am blessed with as opposed to cursing it for what I think I lack.  I think I see a glimmer of my center, though I would be foolish to think I have truly reached it yet.

My goal on the first day of class was consistency.  My goal has grown with me since I have made Tai Chi a part of my life again.  What began as a simple notion of being consistent with physical practice to cultivate my Chi, now encompasses balance and harmony.  My search for balance must be consistent.  Balance is needed not only in my body but in my thoughts and actions.  I am seeking balance of positive and negative energy, balance of gathering and letting go.  Harmony too as become a consistency goal.  I must be consistent in my quest to be at peace with where and who I am, or be at peace with changing my position in life.  I must stop seeking strife and instead find happiness where it exists in front of me.

I am learning that for me to become a parent, I must first be committed to finding balance and harmony within myself and in doing so create it around me.  My internal goal is to become whole and lucid because a vessel that is cracked can never be filled, yet those that are mended, though full of seams, and empty are always overflowing.

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Shine